Made For This.

An Open Letter to who I was and the human I am becoming,

I’m sorry but I don’t remember when you got sick, it was “gradually and then suddenly,” as Hemingway once said.  At first, it is just a small ache, a headache every now and then, an ache in the knee, tiredness, then exhaustion, skin rashes, tingling feeling in fingers and toes, motion sickness, sores on the inside of the mouth, and then all of a sudden it felt like you were housebound. I ignored you for so long. I should have stuck up for you. I didn’t know then but I was grieving and unaware of what was happening I lost you and our life. It was nearly two years before I realized what I had done and how I had silenced you. I guess only when what was gradually becomes sudden can you look around and feel the weight of losing yourself and the future you imagined for yourself.

To the woman, I used to be, so vibrant and full of life.  Nothing could stop me then, I was running circles around everyone else.  The drinking buddy, the party friend, the always up for a good time who used to be here is gone.  She used to be a great friend and so reliable.  But, it’s been four years now your memory is all but gone. Without giving all that you could, so many friends have been lost.  It’s hard to remember what fun is like anymore as I had to create a whole new life. You were adventurous and well-traveled. Life was your highway with no fears or regrets. The adventure has become making it from my bedroom to the living room; the couch now replaces my ideas of jet setting. 

To the woman, I used to be, so loving and nurturing.  Every fiber of my being was spent loving those around me.  The old me used to cooking for my spouse and planning special days. Our special notes and the home we made together, while both in existence, they are both far from the vision and dreams we built before. Even on the happiest of days, our body fights a ravaging battle leaving me defeated and unaware of my mental strength.

To the woman, I used to be, so sharp and unstoppable. I used to derive value from my work ethic and what I could produce.  And then I couldn’t get up for work.  Showering continues to be one of the greatest struggles.  Without significant help, I couldn't even wash my own hair or dress in the morning.  My life has given me a different path, but that new path has given back somethings I had never known before. 

To the woman I used to be, I do miss you terribly but I think there was no other way I could be. When I lost you I lost everything and all alone I felt how dark the inside of me could be. I wasn’t given an option but to live this storm and while the skies are still shades of gray I see myself slightly differently. Always fast to give love and take away from what it meant to be me; this rare life wasn’t a death sentence, it was allowed me to be set free and see the human I could be.

keeping owning your darkness & loving your RARE.

🫶 i love you, -me