The Struggle to Move On.

Who was I before this. by findyourrare

I spent 27 years with someone I loved. I adored who the human she had become over those 27 years. She had long, thick hair. The kind that looked good no matter how she did it. Her skin was smooth, and she was never sick. She could get ready in 10 minutes flat, hated to be late, had an excellent memory, and was a phenomenal athlete. She was giving and kind. She was loud and insecure but never tried to hurt anyone. She struggled with her weight even when she was 90 pounds. She always went with the flow. Down for a good time and never wanted to be a bother despite how she felt inside.

Life Happens.

She was a family girl traveling back and forth to see them for almost every event. She was patient even when mad. She was focused and determined to be the best therapist she could be, and I supported her ambition and drive; however, in August of 2016, I noticed a change in her. Though subtle, I knew this was the start of the end. I tried to ignore the signs and the pain, but the girl I knew and loved stopped coming home one day. The time we had together became limited. Until one day, I never saw her again. She never said goodbye or even let me know she was going to leave. It was easy to pretend that we hadn’t separated. She left things behind that made it feel like she was still there. I knew she wasn’t, but it became easy to pretend when everyone around me continued to act like we were together.

Lost in Silence.

The pretending that masked the pain began to grow tiring and made me feel invisible. It finally came to light that we separated and many were devastated and didn’t want to believe it, how can this be?! You guys looked fine. No one gave me space to feel our break up. They were blinded by their own grief. Countless times I would try to move on, only to be confronted with more pain and suffering. There were things we shared that I no longer could do, food that I no longer cared for, and being alone started to feel more comfortable than being in a crowd. I am more reserved now and extremely cautious. There is a burning feeling inside, anger, grief, and sadness flood me daily. After 27 years, you become comfortable with who you are, but I no longer take no comfort being trapped in the life we built together now that you are gone.

SETTING MYSELF FREE.

It beens 4 years since you left, I still struggle to know who I am. I don't know where I'm going but I know it's time to go. Forever a piece of me will always be with you. I can't hide anymore I need to tell our story, I need to let you go.

xx - k